Rules of Engagement
The interwebs has become a space where people share their most intimate moments and life's milestones with the rest of the Earth -- marriage proposals, the birth of a child, the day-to-day tedium of living; they capture these experiences and fling them out there for millions of people to gawk and coo at. Every and anything is welcome on the internet; share the meal you just had via Instagram, argue for or against politicians who do not even know who you are on Facebook, create a thread about a friend who betrayed you or about your annoying boss or about something that is completely none of your business on Twitter.
To join this funfair, this madhouse, the following are the Rules of Engagement which, if followed to the T, will help you fit in seamlessly:
1. Only, always and ever, share/post/discuss the good things that are happening in your life. Only the good things.
Your awesome boyfriend and the gifts he bought you for Val's Day
Your awesome wife and how cute and fine and cute and fine she is; how you don't deserve her, no, you do not, but God in his mercy brought her your way, and oh, what joy (never mind that, in real life, you're childish and stay picking needless fights with her)
Brag about your awesome new apartment with the balcony view of the entire city
And about that sun-filled vacay you took with friends to Santorini (you must flood the entire place with pictures, otherwise, did you really go on vacation?)
Don't forget about the promotion at work which (everyone knows) you worked so very hard for
And your music/art/fashion line which is making headway, even if it's mediocre and actually not that great
And your abs which are developing so well you no longer see why you should ever take another selfie with a shirt on
2. Be vain while posing as deep
Take a picture of yourself with multiple layers of filters and hashtag it #nofilter
Take a selfie with a face full of make up and talk about how grateful you are to see a new day, about how far you've come since you graduated from university, about how your friends aren't doing half as well as you are today, about all the haters trying to pull you down, about how funny life is and how petty people are, about how God has been very good to you (don't forget to quote a scripture)
Take a picture of yourself in the front seat of your car on your way to "work" with your edge-up freshly done and talk about just how amazing you are as a person; and aren't you just a bundle of utter, undiluted joy?
3. Never, ever be real
Nobody wants to know that your boyfriend actually isn't that awesome and sometimes you two have issues and have broken up four times over the past year
Nobody needs to know that, actually, you're broke
Nobody needs to know that, alas, you do not know everything about everything that there is to know about everything
Nobody needs to know about your lonesomeness; about your constant need to fit in, to keep up, to be in "the know". Nobody needs to know that sadness gnaws at the walls of your chest some days, threatening to burst free and smother you
Nobody needs to know that sometimes you wake up and are just so tired of it all; of the constant monitoring for increase in followership, the number of Likes and Retweets and Reactions -- that sometimes you just want to throw your phone out of the window of a moving vehicle, lie in bed and forget
Nobody needs to know all of that; keep that stuff buried under your expensive clothes and exquisite watches.
You follow these simple rules, dear reader, and you are on your way to fame and adoration on the interwebs.
To join this funfair, this madhouse, the following are the Rules of Engagement which, if followed to the T, will help you fit in seamlessly:
1. Only, always and ever, share/post/discuss the good things that are happening in your life. Only the good things.
Your awesome boyfriend and the gifts he bought you for Val's Day
Your awesome wife and how cute and fine and cute and fine she is; how you don't deserve her, no, you do not, but God in his mercy brought her your way, and oh, what joy (never mind that, in real life, you're childish and stay picking needless fights with her)
Brag about your awesome new apartment with the balcony view of the entire city
And about that sun-filled vacay you took with friends to Santorini (you must flood the entire place with pictures, otherwise, did you really go on vacation?)
Don't forget about the promotion at work which (everyone knows) you worked so very hard for
And your music/art/fashion line which is making headway, even if it's mediocre and actually not that great
And your abs which are developing so well you no longer see why you should ever take another selfie with a shirt on
2. Be vain while posing as deep
Take a picture of yourself with multiple layers of filters and hashtag it #nofilter
Take a selfie with a face full of make up and talk about how grateful you are to see a new day, about how far you've come since you graduated from university, about how your friends aren't doing half as well as you are today, about all the haters trying to pull you down, about how funny life is and how petty people are, about how God has been very good to you (don't forget to quote a scripture)
Take a picture of yourself in the front seat of your car on your way to "work" with your edge-up freshly done and talk about just how amazing you are as a person; and aren't you just a bundle of utter, undiluted joy?
Nobody wants to know that your boyfriend actually isn't that awesome and sometimes you two have issues and have broken up four times over the past year
Nobody needs to know that, actually, you're broke
Nobody needs to know that, alas, you do not know everything about everything that there is to know about everything
Nobody needs to know about your lonesomeness; about your constant need to fit in, to keep up, to be in "the know". Nobody needs to know that sadness gnaws at the walls of your chest some days, threatening to burst free and smother you
Nobody needs to know that sometimes you wake up and are just so tired of it all; of the constant monitoring for increase in followership, the number of Likes and Retweets and Reactions -- that sometimes you just want to throw your phone out of the window of a moving vehicle, lie in bed and forget
Nobody needs to know all of that; keep that stuff buried under your expensive clothes and exquisite watches.
You follow these simple rules, dear reader, and you are on your way to fame and adoration on the interwebs.
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