Motherhood and Anxiety

I suppose I’ve always been an anxious person, but it became more pronounced when I had my daughter, Ammiel.

The anxiety bolts began in January, when she was two months old. I would find myself bound, my mind vacant, as fear ran through my body, nearly crippling me. I would get tearful and feel extremely hopeless. Sometimes it would last a few moments, sometimes it would last a whole day.

What was I so worried about? Money, mostly. But I know the fear emerged from being unsure I could give my daughter everything she needed to have a good life. I felt as though I wasn't as good as my peers and not as good as other parents. I was no longer good enough. I wasn't enough for her. 

I come across as a confident person, for the most parts. But I felt like a failure deep down.

Now, I write all this in past tense, as though it's a thing of the past. It is not. I still feel anxious and afraid sometimes, but these days, I'm able to recognise when anxiety is creeping in. These days, I know it by its name.

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Since I became a mum, my life stopped being my own. There are no longer enough hours in the day. The dishes pile up. The house looks like it was uprooted and shaken about. And on the days Ammiel decides to fight sleep... Lord, help me.

Sometimes, it's overwhelming and I just want it all to stop. So that I can breathe. So that I can just think, for one moment.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

-- Philippians 4:6-7

No, it doesn't work like a pill, but it reminds me to reach for God; this scripture reminds me that He cares for me.

He cares about every detail of my life. Every single detail. And He loves Ammiel much more than I ever could.

Jesus once told the Pharisees:

"If you, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him?"

-- Matthew 7: 11

I want Ammiel to be many brilliant things, but God has a better future in mind for her than I could ever dream up on my own.

I'm still learning to trust God. It isn't easy, but it's a daily journey. One day at a time.