I cannot find myself //draft

I have forgotten
        where to start

I cannot remember
Where I left my hope
        It is probably stashed away
        at the periphery of my mind
        at the edge of my emotions

I cannot recognize myself
        these days
        my stance
        my walk
        my voice
        do not belong to me
        they are no longer mine

The days come often
        where I lay in bed
        eyes closed
        as though I do not know
        that the sun has arisen
        beyond my window

The weeks come and go
        gradual
        steady
Time
        like a marathon runner
        aiming for the finish line
        With what point to prove?
        That I am aging,
        and that I am still here

I read about the Native
        (Original) Americans last week
        and my eyes struggled
        to scroll down the page
        my heart felt heavy
        dark
        anger delayed
        rage centuries late
        clung to my throat
        and I could not cry
        Mourn for whom?
        A people who (surely)
        have moved on by now?

Even in grief
I cannot recognize myself
        I have forgotten
        where to start