Paint me

Paint me 'immigrant'
Colour me the shade of those who do not belong
Mention my parents
The long hours my absent father worked
Just to keep us in school
The way my mother hid the disenchantment that swallowed her
Just to keep us hopeful

Paint me 'different'
I remember my mother whispered to my father one night -
I was in the corridor and she didn't know I was standing by the doorway -
She told him, "They don't sell rodo here"
My father had forced a laugh out of his weary jaws
"Just cook without it, Sade"
Then he held her and tried to change the subject

Paint me 'outsider'
The first few times, the falling snow felt like the reverse of hell
Our neighour upstairs wasn't quite with it
She would walk out unto the piling snow in her slippers and night gown
We used to call her 'Loony'
We used to laugh at her
She used to glare at me and call me 'Africa'

Paint me 'Diaspora'
I have always known that my life is missing something
I dated Damien in high school
He used to call me 'Jam doughnut'
"Because you're full and sweet," he would say
But he was not speaking about my heart
He was speaking about the me he could kiss and touch

Paint me 'Africa'
Make me fill in forms that draw light to the colour of my skin
Ask me how much my parents earn annually
Make me bare myself naked before you for financial help
Financial help that will leave me tangled in a merciless system
Fling opportunities and 'lush pastures' my way
Then take them right back because I am not quite like you

Paint me 'Lost'
I am missing
And I have been for years
Convenience can't stifle my yearning
It won't drown out my longing
I long for solidarity
For someone I can talk to who will nod and say that they understand

Paint me 'immigrant'
Colour me the shade of those who do not belong
Mention my marriage
The long hours my absent husband works
Just to keep the mortgage paid
The way I hide the disenchantment that is swallowing me
Just to keep my children hopeful