Feeling.
Often - perhaps it's the way I was raised, or the part of the world in which I live - I feel guilty about the way that I feel. Which is a bit awkward because I have spent a great portion of my life (I would say about 84%) feeling - happy, sad, angry, alone, tired. I probably have the worst track record of relationships/friendships and this has contributed to my 'feeling' - rejected, lonely, forgotten. So, if I feel so much and society makes me feel guilty about the way that I feel on any given day, what do I do?
One person that has saved me from imploding, from walking off a cliff, from self-destruction is the Lord Jesus Christ (now, hang on a minute, don't leave yet, I'm not about to preach at you Lol). Jesus, over the years, has become a close friend, like the girlfriend I never had who I could talk to about my ugliest emotions and would just sit, eat plantain chips with me and agree that, "Yes, sometimes people just terrible suck..." - this type of solidarity which I have never had in a human relationship, I have found in a spiritual relationship with Christ.
This past few weeks I have spent my morning devotions ranting. Half way through my rants, I have caught myself and thought - Wait, I'm sure the bible teaches to be grateful in all situations, so it is wrong to rant at the Lord instead of saying a simple, commendable prayer. - Guilt. And then I realise, I'm not going to feel guilty about speaking my heart to the one person who has ever understood the depth of my being.
I will not feel guilty again. I can't always talk to people about the way I truly and really feel, but I can talk to the Lord and that little joy will not be taken away from me by biblical or societal 'expectations'. I'm going to feel, for the rest of my life, I'm going to feel happy and angry and sad and tired and frustrated and alone, and I'm going to talk to Jesus about every ounce of those emotions; because I am allowed to, because he's the only one who has ever held me and has never, ever let go.
One person that has saved me from imploding, from walking off a cliff, from self-destruction is the Lord Jesus Christ (now, hang on a minute, don't leave yet, I'm not about to preach at you Lol). Jesus, over the years, has become a close friend, like the girlfriend I never had who I could talk to about my ugliest emotions and would just sit, eat plantain chips with me and agree that, "Yes, sometimes people just terrible suck..." - this type of solidarity which I have never had in a human relationship, I have found in a spiritual relationship with Christ.
This past few weeks I have spent my morning devotions ranting. Half way through my rants, I have caught myself and thought - Wait, I'm sure the bible teaches to be grateful in all situations, so it is wrong to rant at the Lord instead of saying a simple, commendable prayer. - Guilt. And then I realise, I'm not going to feel guilty about speaking my heart to the one person who has ever understood the depth of my being.
I will not feel guilty again. I can't always talk to people about the way I truly and really feel, but I can talk to the Lord and that little joy will not be taken away from me by biblical or societal 'expectations'. I'm going to feel, for the rest of my life, I'm going to feel happy and angry and sad and tired and frustrated and alone, and I'm going to talk to Jesus about every ounce of those emotions; because I am allowed to, because he's the only one who has ever held me and has never, ever let go.
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