Accidental Lover

When you fell
You remembered your mother
And her messages of sexual immorality
You went to the bathroom
And tried to vomit him out of you

You weren't going to go to church in the morning
But you were on the ushering rota
And you knew Jenny would call you
Panicking
As though the world was on fire

When the choir began to sing
'Great is thy faithfulness'
You decided your period had shown up
You were cramping and stained
You had to leave

He was still in your flat when you returned
Sitting on the sofa, eating toast
He had watched you hurry out
Disoriented and confused
He had wanted to make sure you were alright
Before he got on his train and headed home

You wouldn't speak to him
"You won't understand,"
you said
He wouldn't understand
The guilt that was whirling around in the pit of your stomach
The burden that was threatening to swallow you

He wouldn't understand
That you had been keeping yourself
But he had come along instead
And his love for Macy Gray, Achebe and pistachios
Had swept you away
Had made you forget your morals and resolve

And now you were both standing there
In the middle of the living room
Knowing that you would never forgive him
Or yourself
Knowing that you would carry this guilt around for years
Knowing that you would never see him again